On the Dangers of Slinging Shit

Derwood Drumpf was orange with a fire-engine red hair and giant blue lips that occupied half his face. Since his father'd been a businessman of some skill, having sold widgets to half of the population of the United States, he'd inherited a tidy fortune, so people tended not to notice his anomalous appearance. Nobody knew what a widget was for, which mattered little to half the population of the United States. That Derwood was a huge success was indisputable. He was the best known clown in the world, having built his clown lifestyle brand such that half the population of the United States had somehow become consumers of his clown products in one manner of another. Drumpf brand clown paraphernalia was only the tip of the iceberg, and was indeed where the iceberg began to take shape, although it hadn't been a sensation until the Drumpf clown lifestyle came into being. The rest of the iceberg was formed from Drumpf events, clown resorts, clown college, clown television shows, clown races and so many other clown-themed products that even Drumpf couldn't keep track. It was, many realized in retrospect, inevitable that he should want to re-brand the United States as a clown republic.

Derwood Drumpf's death on live television after his nomination by a political party to whom half of the population of the United States had ties, was shocking, even by Drumpf standards. He'd promised his followers free clown makeup after he nuked the rest of the world, and he'd whipped crowds into a frenzy by shitting on the stage during debates and throwing his own feces at his opponent and into the crowd. He'd promised to arrest everyone who was not a consumer of clown products and place them in forced labor camps. He'd sworn he'd stop boondoggles like public education and vowed to dismantle the environment. It was a utopian dream for the insane clown constituency and it seemed like a utopian dream to a lot of people who had no idea what the word “utopia” might mean. Many of these people owned widgets and Drumpf Brand Clown Makeup. The clown makeup, it would turn out, was the beginning of the Drumpfpocalypse. Whether happy accident, or design, observers cannot be sure, but the clown makeup did contain very high levels of lead. Skeptics of the design theory point out that for a person to buy the product, intelligence already had to have been compromised. That's probably true. But once Drumpf began his presidential run, his followers needed ways to show their disdain for the intelligence of people who valued intelligence, and so the clown makeup became a badge of Drumpf loyalty.

That was just the beginning. Drumpf supporters began to demonstrate their disdain for all things they considered “liberal” en masse. After the clown makeup, there were public demonstrations against clean air, in which the participants would inhale from plastic bags the contents of Drumpf Canned Air Pollution. Then came Drumpf Anti-EPA Water, which was pumped out of genuine fracked wells and which also worked as an accelerant for setting fire to trees, which Drumpf supporters disliked greatly. Drumpf himself participated in many of these public displays, but it's widely debated whether or not his participation was real, or the products in use were swapped out for less harmful substitutes. His followers morphed. If one envisions a zombie apocalypse, throngs of brain-dead, leering freaks characterized by dragging feet, rolling eyes, drooling, grunting and such attendant sights one gets a fairly good picture of a Drumpf rally. The clown makeup began to be more haphazardly applied, though. Sometimes the blue lip paint covering the entire face, sometimes the orange taking over, but nearly always a mess.

That was when Drumpf came up with his most brilliant product of all time. It was Drumpf Artificial Cheese Flavored Cold Drink Mix. Served over ice it was a bit gummy, but delicious in a way that liberals would never understand. A quaff to unhealth and anti-culture, it also mixed perfectly with the Drumpf Brand Water product, the solvents in which made it less lumpy on mixing. Naturally, a range of alcoholic cocktails spun off from the original product. It was all clearly labeled “carcinogenic” and “mostly poison,” so Drumpf fans felt it was a show of Americaness to guzzle it in great quantity.

Then came the debates. Drumpf was determined to prove his opponent wrong and evil so, in preparation he ate enormous quantities of Mexican food for a week before the big event. (His staff nicknamed the day of the debates “Taco Tuesday.”) It was during the run up to the debates the the Drumpf Clown Brand development team invented what has been hailed as the nuke in clown paraphernalia arsenal. The Drumpf Super-Shit Clown Ass-Assination Shitsplosion Suit. This was truly a wonder of disgusting innovation. By the day of the debates Drumpf had, on his person, fifty pounds of shit, along with whatever he held in his internal reserves. The suit allowed for varying sizes of output, depending on the question so that he could demonstrate on the debate stage responses ranging from barely giving a shit, all the way to shit-nado and and shit-o-caust. Different nozzles on the suit allowed for spraying, plopping, projecting, sharting and dribbling, among other modes of output, which required varying degrees of pressurization and liquifaction and expulsion. It should probably have come as no surprise that this contraption was a bit dangerous, although that would not likely have prevented Drumpf using it. The potential of a shit-splosion was simply too wonderful to pass up.

Drumpf waddled sloshily to the stage cocooned in the full-body shit reservoirs concealed by his custom made red pinstripe suit. His opponent wore a tasteful pantsuit. The first few questions went off just as planned. Drumpf squirted a tiny liquid stream of shit down his pantleg in response to a question about toxic wasted being dumped into public water supplies. His answer to a question about diplomatic relations with China was an enigmatic, but possibly profound eruption of percussive gas followed by a few plops that fell from a cleverly disguised nozzle at the back of his suit. This is where some debate watchers may have begun to sense that Drumpf and company had failed to fully think through the full ramifications of this strategy. Drumpf appeared to slip a bit on some of the shit. Footwear clearly had not been discussed and it was apparent that his wingtips were not designed for treading shit. He caught himself, but as the questions began to pile up and he stooped now and then to scoop up some poo to fling into the audience or at his opponent, he struggled to stay upright. He began to turn positively puce, which was fascinating given that he was usually orange. The bright blue of his lips took on a crimson hue. His arms windmilled and his feet did many dances of near calamity. The moment when he started to lose control of the shit selector mechanism is apparent upon replay of the video. Dribbling and sharting and spraying suddenly began to happen out of synch with the questions and a vein is seen to throb in just under his bright red hairline. 

Whether it was entirely the pressure in the suit or whether extreme colon impaction combined with massive amounts of methane contributed to the explosion is still a subject of some debate. Whatever the final determination may reveal, the issue of who won the debate was nearly unanimous. The sight, sound and stench of Drumpf, body parts, blood and guts, blended with excrement spewing outward under bright lights, coating, congealing, glistening, bright and dark, was a spectacle that no cagey hem and haw would riseto.

Nearly half of all Americans voted for Drumpf in spite of the fact that he was dead, exploded in a rain of shit on live television. Quite a few of that nearly half died in short order after the explosion. Consuming poison has that effect.


There are those who are so constricted and sick in themselves that the thought of their own freedom is a horror, and that of others a fierce pain; so that they would enslave all men. And these you should shun, or, if you must, destroy them as you will know how, for this also is bounty.


May sunlight cleanse. She. Rises.